She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
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My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi