The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
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Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Worst bar ever.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Still laughing at this stupid meme
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.