This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
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***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
My dream job is getting paid to dream
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.