Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.