Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
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[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Me recordaron éste meme
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.