A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
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KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Who did it better?
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
You have been warned.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
as is their right
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR