Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
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I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Tastes like chicken.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
That de-escalated quickly
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you