Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
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The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
*bites zombie*
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.