At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
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Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Sing it!
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
ready to be harvested
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir