The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
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If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.