What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
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Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”