Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
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2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
#CoronaOutbreak
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Quadruple digit IQ