Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
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Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far