SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
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I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school