Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
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When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.