*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
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From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Cha-ching is my safe word
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
An odd boast
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner