Expect the unexporcupine.
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A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.