People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
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Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?