angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
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Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
blocked.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how