[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
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fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
dam girl
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE