there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
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im all 3
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I’m tired tomorrow.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
My ideal weight is five million dollars
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.