oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
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[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Meow
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
🙄😏😂🤣
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep