Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
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I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
bury ourselves
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet