Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
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My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Your secret is safeish with me
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Noah was an idiot.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.