We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
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I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Mornin. * use accordingly
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*