I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
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wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Customize Your Wedding.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)