Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
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Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.