Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
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I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?