Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
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I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
shut up and take my money
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂