me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
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Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Wise advice
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters