Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
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when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities