*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
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If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson