I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
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I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
bugs when you lift up a rock
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible