We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
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I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.