Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
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*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me