*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
All generalizations are stupid.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion