Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
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*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.