[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
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Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Effort made
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees