a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
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TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
What?
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Probably my best painting.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.