if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
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Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about