Nothing to do, you say?
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Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
He took my last fry, your honor
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
*serious situation*
My brain:
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross