cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
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If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you