“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
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[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
No chill.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Breaking news:
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!