The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
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I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.