ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
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“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I’ll be mad as hell!
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Cause of death: Zumba
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
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