I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
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[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room