dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
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I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
broke down and did it
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny