Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
You Might Also Like
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Facebook marketplace is a different world
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call