I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
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To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Banana is the quietest snack
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
2022 be like
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?