My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
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[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
me working on my assignments ^-^
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.